BONE LAKE Review: Horny Getaway Gets Gory
Between Barbarian and Superhost and The Rental and now Bone Lake, one thing is clear… just stay at a goddamn Sheraton!
Bone Lake, a movie whose franchise potential suggests Cartilage Cove, Platelet Pond, and, I dunno, Epidermus Estuary, is the newest look at travelers booking a place that seems like a dream online but turns out to be a nightmare. After a prologue that answers the question “what would a man getting an arrow through the scrotum look like?”, we meet a couple making a cross-country trek, eager for a weekend at a gorgeous rent-a-chateau.
In the driver’s seat is Sage, a confident young woman played by Maddie Hasson, and by her side is Diego, a handsome-though-wishy-washy author played by Marco Pigossi. They pull into an absurdly large, elegantly decorated mansion on a lake, leading Diego to disrobe and declare it to be a clothing-free weekend. (Bone Lake, indeed!) After a quick coupling, in which an eager-to-please Sage fakes a climax, they are disturbed by the appearance of another young couple stumbling in with suitcases.
Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nechita), which is short for Cinnamon, have the QR code to enter the place and receipts for the booking, but no one can get ahold of the property owner. Just before the men begin a tournament of rock, paper, scissors to see who stays and who goes, Cin decides to break the ice, make formal introductions, and points out that the place is enormous. There’s room for everyone and they’ll likely get a refund because of the screw up. Maybe just make the best of it?
Soon everyone is hanging out by the lake and it doesn’t take until nightfall for the social awkwardness to set in. Will and Cin are both weirdly chummy and inquisitive. The first severe red flag flies up when Cin steps out of the shower, stumbles into Diego, claims to be blind without her contacts, then asks him to hand her her intimates. Clearly anyone in the real world would be wigged-out by this, especially with how quickly Cin drops the term “panties.”
Moments later, Cin approaches Sage to say she’s sorry about the whole half-naked thing with Diego, and her response (since this just happened) is “what are you talking about?”
These are clear “get the hell out of there!!” cues, but Sage and Diego soldier on, afraid to make waves. Even when Will picks the locks for the off-limits rooms to discover a 50 Shades-like sex dungeon, and another weird room with drippy candles and newspaper clips about missing persons.
Maybe they stay because they secretly envy Will and Cin? They are both gorgeous, and, that first evening, make loud and passionate love to one another. Earlier in the day, Diego spies Sage masturbating in a luxurious tub, and when he offers to jump in she takes a pass. Later they get in a bit of an argument about the use of sex toys. She’s eager to give it a go, but Diego feels like they emasculate him. We then (somewhat hilariously) learn that Sage’s professed love of dildoes won her some sort of writing prize. Diego feels bad about this, mostly because she doesn’t write many freelance articles these days, as she is bringing home the bacon with an editing job while he toils away on his novel.
This is all played with an absolute straight face, which makes it even funnier. To what degree screenwriter Joshua Friedlander and director Mercedes Bryce Morgan want us to empathize with these characters or realize that they are kinda losers is a little unclear. What is clear, though, is that Will and Cin have something nasty up their sleeves, and the second half of the movie gets much more prurient and, eventually, quite bloody.
The good news is that all four performers (the only ones in the whole picture) are all very good. Furthermore, when the movie shifts into action mode, the fights, chases, and use of weapons are choreographed quite effectively. This is a pretty low budget affair, but one tussle in a kitchen is particularly well-shot.
The bad news is that I really don’t quite understand what the hell is driving Will and Cin. Yes, there is a backstory reveal, but it left me asking “uh, okay, and…?” Luckily the big finish is so fun and gnarly that this doesn’t diminish the entire project.
Then again, it’s possible that I just missed the cues. Maybe I am so preoccupied in my own navel-gazing nonsense that I need a foxy couple to come rattle me out of my stupor with their seductions? I just hope we can all accomplish this from the comforts of home.
