Presented by Neon’s The Monkey, Bloody Disgusting is celebrating this Friday’s release of Osgood Perkins’ highly anticipated horror with Stephen King Week. Yesterday, Jenn Adams talked King’s creepy critters, and today, Luiz H. C. catalogues his cursed objects. There’s a classic Family Guy cut-away gag where author Stephen King pitches his 307th horror book to an editor, […]
Presented by Neon’s The Monkey, Bloody Disgusting is celebrating this Friday’s release of Osgood Perkins’ highly anticipated horror with Stephen King Week. Yesterday, Jenn Adams talked King’s creepy critters, and today, Luiz H. C. catalogues his cursed objects.
There’s a classic Family Guy cut-away gag where author Stephen King pitches his 307th horror book to an editor, with the writer coming up with an absurd story about a killer lamp on the spot after looking at the objects on the editor’s desk. While this joke was clearly meant to be a jab at the author’s prolific output, I think most fans would agree that, if the King of Horror ever chose to write a book about a lamp monster, it’d be one hell of a scary lamp!
After all, King’s nearly-six-decade-long career has gifted us with countless examples of seemingly inanimate items that harbor supernatural secrets. And in honor of Osgood Perkins bringing one the writer’s most bizarre creations to life in the highly anticipated horror-comedy The Monkey, we’ve decided to come up with a list celebrating six of Stephen King’s scariest cursed objects!
While this list is obviously based on personal opinion, don’t forget to comment below with your own inanimate favorites if you think we missed a particularly spooky object.
After decades of similar stories (and an especially memorable parody in a first-season episode of Rick & Morty), it’s only natural that folks no longer count Needful Things among King’s most terrifying books. However, looking back on the novel without modern-day baggage, it’s easy to see why this tale about a mysterious store stocked with freaky wares was once hailed as King’s horrific comeback after his difficult battle against addiction.
From paranoia-inducing lampshades to impossibly cheap baseball cards, Needful Things contains a whole smorgasbord of memorable cursed objects. However, we’re going with Leland Gaunt’s Valise because it represents the heart of his evil store – containing the lost souls of all his unfortunate victims.
5. The Teeth – Chattery Teeth (1992)
Much like the mischievous toy Monkey that inspired Perkins’ upcoming adaptation, the murderous set of novelty teeth from Chattery Teeth is one of King’s most humorous creations. In fact, these oversized teeth are actually the only benevolent object on this list, fiercely protecting their owner from harm and only really being cursed if you happen to be a hitchhiker up to no good.
Of course, being brutally bitten to death by metallic teeth is an exceedingly nasty way to go, and the haunting description of the dead antagonist’s numerous bite-marks is what earns the cursed toy a place on this list.
And here’s a fun-fact: the Mick-Garris-directed adaptation of Chattery Teeth which comprises half of Quicksilver Highway was originally meant to be a pilot for an episodic television show which would follow the teeth as they violently protected a suburban family.
4. The Mangler – The Mangler (1972)
It may not be King’s most famous piece of genre fiction, but I have no doubt that his 1972 short story The Mangler is responsible for popularizing the notion that his scary stories are frequently motivated by inanimate objects with a mind of their own. Case in point: the speed-ironing/folding machine affectionately referred to by fearful laundry workers as “The Mangler”.
Seemingly brought to life by the accidental consumption of ingredients traditionally associated with witchcraft, this demonic piece of machinery more than lives up to its name by mauling innocent workers and causing bizarre accidents at an industrial laundry. However, all this localized chaos is merely the beginning of the Mangler’s rampage, as the story ends with the machine finally freeing itself from its concrete prison and stalking the streets for more delicious human-beings!
3. Flagg’s Spellbook – The Eyes of the Dragon (1984)
While Randall Flagg’s spellbook isn’t exactly a huge plot element in The Eyes of the Dragon (King’s only foray into high-fantasy storytelling), I think it’s a great addition to the list because of a passage explaining that the madness-inducing volume was originally written by the Mad Poet himself, Abdul Alhazred. This clever detail implies that King’s multiversal antagonist rose to power by studying the grandaddy of all cursed tomes: H.P. Lovecraft’s Necronomicon.
Not only is this a fun easter-egg for Lovecraft fans, but it also retroactively adds a tinge of cosmic horror to all of Flagg’s previous appearances in stories like The Stand and The Dark Tower.
2. Delver’s Mirror – The Reaper’s Image (1969)
One of Stephen King’s earliest short stories, The Reaper’s Image is also one of the author’s first attempts at centering a horror yarn around a terrifying cursed item. In this case, the object in question is an Elizabethan Mirror that supposedly reveals an image of the grim reaper to its viewers before making them disappear.
A perfect example of King’s genius bit of advice on how short horror stories should aim to be concise affairs comparable to “a quick kiss in the dark from a stranger”, The Reaper’s Image remains one of the author’s most memorable yarns – and I wouldn’t be surprised if it inspired elements of Mike Flanagan’s excellent thriller Oculus as well.
1. Christine – Christine (1983)
No list of cursed objects would be complete without the blood-red Plymouth Fury that inspired legions of fictional killer cars, Christine. This ‘58 Fury may not be the only supernatural vehicle to inhabit King’s interconnected horrorverse (I’m partial to a certain Green-Goblin-headed truck myself), but she’s undeniably the most iconic.
And while the spirit of abusive veteran Roland LeBay may be the one driving the car to commit murder in the book, I actually love how the film adaptation implies that Christine was simply born bad, with the car inexplicably rolling off the assembly line with an inherent taste for homicide. I mean, even the vehicle’s crushed remains were evil enough to still be able to draw blood, so it’s only natural that she earns the number-one spot on this list.
